Jokes

A dude was walking down the street, sportin’ his colors when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Instead of beating him to a bloody pulp, the dude took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and said, "It took a lot of balls for you to hit me up for money, so I’ve gotta believe you’re in bad shape. Let me ask you this. If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "Hell no," said the homeless man. "I stopped drinking 25 years ago."

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the dude asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need every damn nickel I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on motorcycles or anything related to hot rods instead of food?" the man asked. "Absolutely not!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't ridden in 20 years and I haven’t had a car for at least 5 years."

"Well," said the dude, "I lied man. I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my Old Lady."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, my clothes are ragged and I probably smell pretty bad."

The dude replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, motorcycles and cars!"

Biker rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop. The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.

The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says, "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."

The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."

Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,

"You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !" The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"

Al Gore decides to try riding a motorcycle, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.

He mounts the motorcycle uninstructed, turns it on and it immediately roars into motion.

As it moves along faster and faster, Al begins to fall from the seat. In terror, he grips tightly on the handlebars, but can't get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the motorcycle's gas tank, but he slides down the side of the motorcycle anyway.

Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the motorcycle and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the exhaust pipes. He is now at the mercy of the motorcycle's roaring wheels as his head is struck against the ground, over and over.

He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him and unplugs the motorcycle.

First biker - Hey, I'm Jimmy.
Second biker - I'm Brian

First biker - Where are you from?
Second biker - I'm from Long Island.

First biker - HEY, I'm from Long Island too! What part?
Second biker - Riverhead

First biker - WOW! I'm from riverhead too!! I live on the cul-de-sac
Second biker - MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!! I live in the cul-de-sac too!!!

First biker - Dude, this is getting scary. I live in the red house, next to the Wilsons
Second biker - NO FREAKIN WAY MAN!! HOW CAN THIS BE?!?!? I LIVE THERE TOO!!!

BARTENDER - OH, here we go again, the O'Connor brothers are so drunk, they don't recognize each other.

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard. As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?" The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!" The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?" The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August." Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?" With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"